Person of Interest - Escopper Zumilla

After writing up the last POI review on a  particular someone whose name I can't mention anymore, I have received numerous death threats and warning letters from certain members of the community asking me to stop what I'm doing or face the consequences. I have to admit that I am a bit shaken up by these incidents but as a journalist (a proper one mind you), it is my duty to report anything and everything in all honesty. No cover ups, unbiased, uncensored, the utmost and absolute truth. Sorry for the delay in my reviews (I know i promised something new every sunday) but as my old man used to say, better late than never. So lets get the ball rolling.

This week I will be reviewing one of the most mysterious yet interesting person ever to roam the land of earth in the form of, Escopper Zumilla. Escopper, or just Copper, as he is known  by his mates is a relatively quiet individual. Born and raised in the Phillipines (thus earning him the name Espillak), Copper was well-known in his neighbourhood for updating laptop/pc windows programme for the locals. A 'Student of the Streets' as Jorge Van Sputnikberg, a popular physician from Manila puts, Copper never went to school formally. Every skill and wisdom, Copper acquired from the streets. In late 1995, Copper's parents were transferred to the Island of Borneo and that is when Copper's life changed forever.

Escopper Zumilla: Just another contributing member of society or International man of mystery? 

Being the new kid in town wasn't easy for Copper. He had to earn respect from his peers the hard way. Some of the things Copper did to impress his new found friends cannot be mentioned here for they are too explicit, however of the few I am allowed to say are: recreational fishing, karaoke, and cycling (images below sourced from BeritaBorneo).

 

However, what seems like a normal individual in a rather normal society, Copper has a  dark secret kept deep within his closet. Because we can now officially reveal that Copper is no ordinary bloke. No. Escopper Zumilla is an international man of mystery. He is a SPY! Sent here by the Filipino government, Copper or better known now as Agent 3559 (Tiga Limak Limak Sembilan) was given to the task of spying on the local Borneo political party, PDRS, and reporting back to officials back in Manila. This was during the early 2000s when the President of PDRS, whose name i cannot mention, was said to have been on the run after trying to smuggle drugs into Manila via bicycle. Just like all members of the Secret Society of Spies, Agent 3559 was trained in the arts of Jiujitsu and Ong Bak. He was said to have once killed a man by ripping his heart out with his bare hands in an incident during the 2003 peace protest rally in Manila against the government's decision to increase taxing rates. Agent 3559 was unfortunately not charged in the court of law as it was deemed he did it in self-defense. Agent 3559 also did not come into the country alone despite popular belief. He actually came here with his state-of-the-art mechanical sidekick manufactured by the geniuses in the lab of the Manila Defense Department simply called 'John'. Often mistaken for a 50 year old man with stunted growth, we of course know this is not the case! John is actually a robot with no feelings or emotions. John is a codename for Journey Online Homing Niche, which makes no sense whatsoever but sounded cool to those nerds in R&D anyway so they stuck with it. 

Agent 3559 has a Bachelor's Degree in 'Opening a Can of Whoop-ass' on you faster than you can say Espillak. Source: University of Spies Manila

JOHN: Not a real person. Not allowed to show emotions. Elongated neck allows it to spy on targets effortlessly.

After loyally serving the defense department of the filipino government for a good 10 years and failing to catch the president of PDRS whose name I am not allowed to mention, Agent 3559 decided to quit and lead a normal life like he always wanted to. Soon after, Copper did what he always wanted to do ever since he was a little kid, and that is to play with a jazz band in a lounge.

Copper making sexy and suave jazz music in a local lounge Source: NPhotography

But as we all know, from watching way too much spy movies on tv, nobody actually retires from these sort of organisations. Fearing that any important information might be leaked out or sold to the enemy, the Filipino government tracked down Copper in hopes of eliminating him. Copper instead sought help from his former enemies, PDRS and soon he along with JOHN was taken under their wings. Classic case of if you cant beat them, join them. Given a new name and identity, Copper now lives happily in among the locals leading a normal life. Living the dream. It is also important to note that John was adopted by Copper as his nephew and the pair have got along well and their blossomed relationship lead to Copper winning the award of Uncle of the year for 3 years in a row ('07, '08 and '09).

John now allowed to show a bit of emotion. Also in picture is Uncle of the Year (07, 08, 09), Escopper Zumilla.

With that, I rate Copper (formerly known as Agent 3559) an impressive 3.5 out of 5!

Escopper Zumilla: International Man of Mystery or Just plain bitchy? You be the judge.